Saturday, December 23, 2006
Potty Training Boot Camp
My wife announced that today, the first of ten days off from work, was potty training boot camp for Jessica. Oddly enough, right after making that announcement, she left the house. FOR THE DAY.
So there I was, on my own, armed with nothing but my wits and a fully equiped workshop. "Okay, I can do this," I thought. Really, how hard can it be? I mean, after spending the first three years or so making yourself really uncomfortable by messing up your shorts, one would think you'd really look forward to the day when smushy pants, diaper rash, and having your feet held up next to your ears while having your butt wiped all become things of the past. Right?
Well, day 1 didn't go so well. Jessica didn't seem to be in the zone. She failed to take things in her own hands; just wouldn't take the bull by the horns. I tried every tactic I could think of. I tried bribery. But no, a crisp new twenty wasn't enough incentive. I tried threats. But waving a hammer over her head and dangling her favorite teddy bear over a lit stovetop did nothing but make her cry. I even tried electricity, thinking the shock would sort of force her into incontinence, but again, nothing but tears. Come on kid, show some grapes.
I guess we'll try again tomorrow. I've got a few more tricks up my sleeve. We'll start with a morning breakfast of prunes, prune juice, and an Ex-Lax chaser. Then, I figure we'll shake her up and down vigorously, getting everything nice and loosened up. Lastly, I'll put a little crazy glue on the potty seat, making sure she stays there til she's good and ready. I know what you're thinking, "isn't crazy glue taking it a little too far?" Don't worry, we can always get her off the seat with a chisel and some nail polish remover. And it'll make her smell pretty. If all else fails, I'll just yell "what are you, stupid??" over and over again til she gets it.
And she will get it. She'll be a proud, potty-trained kid before she knows it, without any long term psychological repercussions.
Just like her dad.