Sunday, October 09, 2005

A suggestion for evil witches

More on the whole Disney thing. In your average 007 movie, James Bond's evil arch nemesis will almost always fall short of his goal of killing off the secret agent because one basic mistake - wordiness. The bad guy will always be sure to yammer away about his death ray is the biggest, or how his extortion plot just can't fail. Meanwhile, James is sawing through his chains with his laser watch and making plans to foil the bad guy's plot.

Disney Evil Witches and Fairys (DEWFs) all suffer a similar character flaw. For some stupid reason, rather than killing of the pretty young things that piss them off, they insist on putting them under spells that can only be broken by love's first kiss. For some reason, they ALWAYS make that mistake, thinking there's no possible way that some troubled handsome young lad might fall upon the young princess lying there, decide she's quite the tongue-candy, and steal a smooch while no one is looking. Get real. Princes in fairy tale land are like Hummers in suburbia.

Let's take a look at a few DEWFs who went wrong, and how they could have done better:

SNOW WHITE: In a pre-internet nod to Hot Or Not,the DEWF decides to rely on a mirror to give her a daily babe rating. When she finds out, after specifically assigning some lumberjack the task of offing Snow White, that Paul Bunyan wasn't up to the task, she sets out to take care of business herself. She dresses up like an old hag and creates an appple poisioned with a potion that will make her fall asleep until awoken by love's first kiss.

A BETTER PLAN: Break the mirror into shards, pound down the door of the double-wide that Snow White and her vertically challenged inbreds are shacking up in, and slice the wench. Then, get yourself a nose job and a facial and forget the old hag buisness.

SLEEPING BEAUTY: In this story, the DEWF is miffed because she wasn't invited to the family shindig celebrating the king's new offspring. So, she makes herself a real thorn in the king's side by plotting to stab the kid with a spinning needle when she turns 16.

A BETTER PLAN: You know, I've heard that my crazy Aunt Ruth wasn't invited to my bris, and she got back at us by stealing the silverware at my bar mitzvah. Sounds like a similar story line. But the fact is it would have been far simpler to steal the baby and grind its bones for her soup.

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: In a bit of a role reversal, some mysterious DEWF casts a spell on a prince, and tells him he's gotta find a way to love before he can go back to normal.

A BETTER PLAN: Now, let's face it, the DEWF's mistake here was making the guy look like a cross between the Cowardly Lion and Ben Franklin. Everyone knows the Cowardly Lion was the sexiest member of the Oz bunch, and Ben Franklin always managed to invent his way into the hearts and beds of women. I mean let's face it, sometimes, women dig geeks. The geek thing seemed to work okay for me. Now on the other hand, she made the dishes talk like Angela Landsbury. That, alone, was probably enough torture for the prince, so I will give her that one.

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